Growing Up Different

Dilating Doubts

2006-07-20T21:55:00.000-04:00

So the past week I got kinda worried, cause after I dilated I felt like I had to urinate. So I was paranoid that I was dilating my urethra. So I was trying to figureout where my urethra is (by using a mirror when I peed) but It was hard for me to tell exactly where it was coming from. Ive seen pictures online of the position of the urethra but I can't see a pronounced little hole where my urethra would be. There are also all the folds to the side of my vagina which create things that look like they might be holes, but they seem bigger than I would expect my urethra would be. So I went to the doctor to see if I was doing things right, and they said that I was, and that my urethra was the opening right above my vagina...but I still can't really see any opening there. Oh well.

Better News

2006-07-14T19:17:00.000-04:00

Well I went to the doctor today, and he told me that now I don't have to wear a dilator 24/7, I only have to wear it at nite. Also, I am going to start to begin dilating with a tapered candle, because we didn't want to have to pay for the expensive set of dilators since I only need to add like 4 more cms. At least now I can start running again, yay. Hopefully the dilating with the candle won't be too bad. If anyone has any dilation tips, feel free to post them.

Update

2006-07-11T11:09:00.000-04:00

Well Its been over a week since my second surgery. I have gotten more used to wearing the dilator 24/7 and have started to drive. This week I am actually leaving the house and going to visit some of my friends for a few days. On Friday I have a doctors appointment, and should have some more news on what the next plan of action will be. I'm pretty sure that I will be using harder dilators to try to stretch out some of the scar tissue that the Vecchietti Procedure didn't get through, instead of the softer dilator I have been wearing all the time.

Long Road

2006-07-04T10:11:00.000-04:00

So I haven't posted in awhile because I've been sort of depressed. I had my second surgery on Saturday to remove all the sutures used for the Vecchietti instrument thing. Turns out that the Vecchietti Procedure wasn't as effective as hoped, because I have alot of scar tissue. So turns out, I have to wear a dilator at all times for 4-6 weeks. Then after that, use a larger dilator to expand my vagina more. I hate wearing a dilator, it feels very uncomftorable to me, especially to walk. So I've basically just been sitting around. I'm just really tired of everything, and I'm tired of feeling so alone during this entire thing.

Small Complications

2006-06-30T21:53:00.000-04:00

So, I went to the doctors today to get the Vecchietti instrument thingy off. Well small problem. Apparently during the lengthening process, part of my vagina in the middle is thinner than the opposite ends of it..so its shaped sort of like an hour glass. The "olive" or bead or whatever that was used to lengthen my vagina couldn't be pulled out without a whole lot of pain because of this. So I have surgery scheduled for tomorrow to get that removed and so the doctor can take a mold of my vagina as it is, and get some dialotors to fix the part of my vagina that is narrow. Hopefully that will work.

Mixed Blessing

2006-06-26T20:00:00.000-04:00

I was just thinking about how the lack of a period due to MRKH is an interesting problem. While I am glad to never have to deal with a period or pms, it's also a sort of coming of age thing and womenly bond that I missed. I lived in a house of girls in college and had other friends who would share embarrasing period stories, or commisterate about pms, and all I could do is kind of smile and nod. I guess I should be glad. But I'm sure my roomates found it odd that I never bought tampons.

Vecchietti Procedure Pic

2006-06-25T18:38:00.000-04:00

Boredom

2006-06-21T20:47:00.000-04:00

Well it was a week ago today that I had my surgery. Since then I have been pretty much just lying on my back and not doing much of anything else. Ive had two post-op appointments where my device was tightened. Going to the doctor has been the only occasion when I wander to the downstairs area of my house. Thank god my parents are here to bring me food and drink, because I can't really move that easily. I have been sleeping a lot, and now that I have gotten over being nauseous, I am worried about gaining weight, since I am not moving around at all. I'm glad its only a week left so It shouldn't matter too much. I've been thinking a lot about what all my friends are doing with their summers and it makes me sad that I'm stuck here. And most of my friends don't even know about this surgery, so I feel pretty lonely. Its not like I'm getting lots of sympathy! My one friend who knows about my surgery is a male, actually. He is probably the last person I would have imagined to feel so comftorable sharing this with, because he's macho and stuff, but I trust him more than almost anyone. He has been really good about calling me to make sure I'm doing ok, and his little actions of friendship mean so much to me. He is also probably the person that I will have sex with when my vagina is fully constructed. We have had a sexual sort of relationship in the past, and since I don't have a boyfriend or even anyone on the radar, I would like to share my first penetration experience with someone who knows my history, who I trust fully, and who I feel knows what he's doing in regard to sexual encounters.

Post Op

2006-06-17T21:25:00.000-04:00

Well today is Saturday, which means I was in the hospital for a little over 3 days. The surgery itself went really well. It took longer than expected because I have a lot of scar tissue, due to all the previous surgeries I have had. My surgeon asked me if I wouldn't mind having other doctor sit in on my surgery, because everyone seemed to be so interested by my abnormal problem. The nurses I had would also ask if they could see the stretching instrument.

I think the worst part of my first 24 hours after surgery was being nauseous. This is probably because I was being pumped full of massive amounts of morphine. Thursday morning my doctor came into tighten the instrument for the first time. He did this before I had taken another dose of pain medication, and it hurt unbelievably bad. I started crying,,even though I didn't want him to think I was weak.After I was given some more morphine it was bearable. I also found out something sorta scary. Apparently the device might be putting pressure on my urethra at first, so the doctor was saying that after they removed my catheter, they might have to put another one in if I couldn't go by myself. I was terrified cause I'm pretty sure that would hurt a whole lot.

Thursday nite I was very nauseous again, and ended up crying a lot when I couldn't bear it anymore, but I finally got medicine, and it was ok. Friday morning I got some morphine and then my device got tightened. It was definently more bearable. Friday they also took my catheter and IV out. I was glad to have them out, but I was worried about not being able to pee, and not being able to get strong meds into my veins as fast. Friday I also got up from bed from the first time too. It was very painful, and frustrating when I couldn't pee, so I started crying. When I gave up trying, the nurse set me up in a chair. That was fine until I started hurting again, and needed to use the bathroom. Then I noticed that the nurse call button was far away and I couldn't reach it. I waited about 45 minutes, and no one came in. I tried to cry really loud, and I said "help, nurse, but no one came. Finally my parents came and they helped me call a nurse, and then I was able to pee..So no catheter..yay. But since I was on weaker pain meds and moving around more my pain was bad. Then the Dr. came in and said that I was discharged.

The ride home was pretty painful, and I had to wait awhile to get my meds. I was in so much pain. Finally my dad came home, and I took a lot of medicine, and fell asleep. I woke up very nauseous, but it went away eventually. Overall I feel better today. But the dr said that by Sunday I would probably be feeling pretty good..but on Monday when I went back in for another tightening, it would be bad again. I hope that this procedure works.

Vecchietti Procedure

2006-06-13T21:59:00.000-04:00

Pressure is applied in the vaginal area by a dilation 'olive', a plastic bead through which traction sutures or threads are threaded (think of a small horse chestnut 'conker' on a string!). The traction sutures run through the abdominal cavity to a traction device placed on the outside of the abdomen. The vagina is not constructed during the operation (under anaesthetic) to place the traction sutures, but is formed by the stretching forces applied once the patient has recovered from this. Over the course of 7-10 days, the vagina lengthens to about 8-12 cm by gradually increasing the tension on the traction sutures. Intercourse is said to be possible after 3-5 weeks

I should be in the hospital for about 3 days, and then in and out of the drs office every other day for two weeks. I think I will be able to have my computer in the hospital so I will try to update.

Some of the Past

2006-06-13T17:29:00.000-04:00

The first thing you should know about me is that I am adopted. My adopted family is wonderful, but I have always felt that I didn't fit in with them. As a baby I went through a series of surgeries to correct birth defects, and despire all of the unpleasantries of growing up, I was described as a well behaved and happy child. One who never cried or caused a fuss. As I grew older, my parents rewarded me with food. After school, the first thing we would do is go get a fastfood snack..I suspect, because they didn't know what else to do with me. Still, once I became over weight, my mother was very cruel about it.

To add to the problem of self confidence, weight wise, I found out when I was 12 that I had been born without a uterus, and could never have children, and also would need to have surgery in order to become sexually active. This is alot for a 12 year old to hear, and I couldn't have known the implications it would have on my life, later. I am now 21..and although I am not ready for kids at all, I hope that I can avoid adopting when I do, because of how out of place I felt as a child. In vitro is an option.

In a nutshell, in highschool I became anorexic, my low weight being around 65. Keep in mind that I am only 4 foot 9. I went to college where my anorexia perpetuated, and I ended up spending most of my time alone, doing homework late at nite, and obsessing about what I ate during the day. One day sophomore year, I began to binge eat. It was very disturbing at first and what was even more disturbing was how it consumed my life. I began to center my day around how I could hoard food, eat it, and then throw it up. I read somewhere that people took ipecac syrup to throw up, so I went and bought some and began to take that. It made me throw up violently, and may be responsible for the heart murmur I now have. The big crisis in my life as a bulimic happened when I began to steal my roomate's food. I knew it was wrong, but stealing food became a compulsion that I couldn't avoid. It just so happened that my roomate had a very controlling mother who proceeded to try to pull my medical records and get me kicked out of college.

It was only in this past year (my senior year) that I finally stopped binging and purging. Binge eating is a horrible compulsion..much worse in my opinion than not eating. Interspersed throughout these ED bouts were obsessive thoughts that resulted in me feeling crazy..unable to concentrate on anything. I sat alone in my room with these obsessive thoughts and cried over the fact that they were taking over my mind. I have found that my obsessive compulsions are much worse when I am not participating in ritual food behaviors.

As I mentioned, I was born without a full vagina, so I am not able to have sex. This fact, while never in the front of my mind, I believe has led to another sort of promiscuity. I began giving oral sex when I was 14 on suggestion of my boyfriend at the time. I began to think of this act as a way for me to be sexually powerful. When I was 16 I began to drink, which led to more promiscuous behavior as far as oral sex. So in retrospect, not being able to have sex or have children has probably saved me from having to deal with unwanted pregnancy. I still think of my ability to have sexual relationships with many people as a form of power. At my height of promiscuity I was giving blow jobs to 2 different people in a given week. I don't know the name of a handful of people I have had oral sex with, and I don't remember incidents where I apparently have given blow jobs.

Back to the present. Right now I am recovering from being bulimic, and I am leaning more towards my anorexic behaviors, but I feel they are much more under control. Tommorow I am having surgery to create a vagina.